Dale Carnegie’s “How to Win Friends and Influence People” provides principles for improving communication, building relationships, and influencing others by fostering understanding and genuine connections in personal and professional settings.
Carnegie’s principles remain relevant today:
- Improved Communication: Enhances active listening and genuine interest in others.
- Building Relationships: Creates meaningful connections in digital and in-person settings.
- Conflict Resolution: Provides strategies for handling disagreements constructively.
- Leadership: Aligns with modern leadership theories emphasizing empathy and motivation.
- Networking: Facilitates effective networking in today’s competitive environment.
These concepts help navigate complex social and professional landscapes, fostering positive relationships and mutual success.
You can obtain a copy of Carnegie’s book on Amazon here: https://www.amazon.com/How-Win-Friends-Influence-People/dp/0671027034 (ISBN 978-0671027032).
Dense Understandings of Carnegie’s Principles
Fundamental Techniques in Handling People
- “Do not criticize, condemn, or complain” — Avoid negative communications that damage relationships, and focus on constructive feedback and building stronger connections.
- “Give honest and sincere appreciation.” — Avoid fake flattery and give people genuine praise. Show them you understand them and care.
- “Arouse in the other person an eager want.” — Think about what might make the other person want to do what you want to do, under their point of view, see their angle, and work together on achieving positive ends.
Six Ways To Make People Like You
- “Become genuinely interested in other people.” — Make an effort to take a genuine interest in other people and take the time to understand them and appreciate them. They will be more willing to hear your point of view.
- “Smile.” — Smile, sound out joy in your manner of speaking, show joy in what you type, cleanse your thoughts. People will trust you more and cooperate with you more when you smile.
- “Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.” — If you address people by their preferred names and call them as they would like to be called, you can demonstrate a personal touch and a level of care that others will appreciate.
- “Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.” — We all feel a natural desire to insert our own ideas into a conversation. Make a conscious effort to listen, and learn more about others. Your influence will grow more by hearing people out than by telling them your ideas.
- “Talk in terms of the other person’s interests.” — Learn the interests of others and speak in their language, and frame what you are saying around their understanding. They will come around to your point of view more easily.
- “Make the other person feel important — and do it sincerely.” — We are all human and our lives are valuable. Treat others with genuine respect and the care they deserve.
Win People To Your Way of Thinking
- “The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.” — If you launch into an argument where you and another person hold opposing views you will put the other person on the defensive. You are better off avoiding arguments entirely. Welcome a disagreement, do not lose your temper, listen first, look for areas of agreement, consider their side, postpone action, and find a way forward without disrespectful conversations.
- “Show respect for the other person’s opinions. Never say, ‘You’re wrong.’” — Be diplomatic and try to understand where someone else is coming from. You can put your position forward without making the other person feel less human.
- “If you are wrong, admit it quickly and empathetically.” — Have the courage to admit your errors and be the first to point them out. Others will only respect you and your honesty.
- “Begin in a friendly way.” — Launch into a conversation showing a friendly face and tone, and with good intentions on display, and others will be much more willing to listen.
- “Get the other person saying ‘yes, yes’ immediately.” — Ask people soft questions and get them into a position of agreement as you guide them through your positions.
- “Let the other person do a great deal of the talking.” — Talking a lot will often lead to talking your way out of a good deal. Let the other person talk more, and you will be more likely to get what you want.
- “Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers.” — Perhaps one of the most important principles. Instead of outright laying out your plans, you can give the other person just enough information to come to the plan you wanted originally, and then push forward on that idea.
- “Try honestly to see things from the other person’s point of view.” — Make great efforts to understand things from the side of the other person. That understanding will help you a lot.
- “Be sympathetic with the other person’s ideas and desires.” — Further to the above, you must really try to understand what other people desire and why they hold their ideas. That will only help with finding common ground and coming to agreements.
- “Appeal to the nobler motives.” — When others want something, they will often tell you, and you can try to help them. Focus on their best intentions and work with them.
- “Dramatize your ideas.” — People will not respond well to rules, facts, and statistics alone. Craft a narrative around ideas you express and express your ideas with a compelling story. Some showmanship is always required.
- “Throw down a challenge.” — Give others a challenge they can rise to and a way to show their worth, and they will get engaged.
Be a Leader
- “Begin with praise and honest appreciation.” — Whether there is something you want from someone, or you need to criticize someone else, start with praising people for their positive qualities in a way that is sincere, before launching into the rest of what you want to say. (See also: “Give honest and sincere appreciation.”)
- “Call attention to people’s mistakes indirectly.” — Connected to the above principle about starting with honest praise, avoid a “yes, but” approach and instead of calling out a mistake someone made to rebuke them, speak about a means someone can take to improve, so they realize their own mistakes themselves without them being stated.
- “Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person.” — Leading in with your own mistakes before delivering criticism of others will lead others to understand your desire is to help and drive towards better outcomes, and it does not matter if you have not yet corrected your mistakes.
- “Ask questions instead of giving direct orders.” — To be an effective leader, lead others into positive outcomes via questions instead of barking orders at people. You can ask, “Can you help with this?” You can also ask, “Who knows best how to solve this?”
- “Let the other person save face.” — You will only harm yourself by hurting someone else’s own sense of dignity. Allow the other person the opportunity to feel good about themselves, and you will both benefit.
- “Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement. Be ‘hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise.’” — Give people genuine praise for the little things and they will feel more motivated, and when they improve continue to encourage them.
- “Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to.” — Give others names and statuses they will want to maintain, such as “our expert in this field” or “the best chef in town,” and they will work hard to meet the expectations.
- “Use encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to correct.” — When others need to improve, give them encouragement. Show them the way to make improvements and how they can reach their goals by following simple steps.
- “Make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest.” — Make pursuing your own ideas fun and engaging, and show the other person how they can benefit from your ideas.
Flaws of Dale Carnegie’s Approach — How To Supplement His Principles
While the book is largely relevant and the principles are useful for counter-balancing natural human tendencies to fall into bad behavior, the advice from the book alone does not make up a complete psychological picture and leaves some gaps in an approach to take with others.
- (Psalm 59:2) “Deliver me from the workers of iniquity, and save me from bloody men.” — Carnegie’s teachings do not account for troublesome and evil people. As much as you should take efforts to work with others, there are some people you should just get away from, or work to defeat.
- Carnegie’s general approach is to give weight to the other person. You need to also be tough enough to realize when others are taking advantage of you, and you should act accordingly when you can recognize it. Act rationally, have a backbone, and do not let others take everything.
- Carnegie’s approach of yielding to others may lead to you not getting praise that you deserve. Make sure to make your contributions known without bragging, so that you benefit from your work.
- Carnegie’s principles assume the other person has a desire to work, to take a deal, or engage with you at all. Some people are either lazy or will show no interest no matter how hard you try. You must also learn when to identify when people will not be worth your time. Sometimes you will need to cut a deal or dismiss a staff member, and you should know when that is.